A Brighter Tomorrow

2010-07-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

Kathy and Susan 1982

2010-07-01T15:15:00.001-07:00

Hailey, Monty, Isabelle . . .

2010-07-01T15:13:00.001-07:00

My son Karl . . .

Losing My Daughter

2010-06-11T20:08:00.001-07:00

I am processing my feelings on my message board log. The link is below.

http://laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=peabody

Where Love Abides

The smell of flowers is in the air,
And I think of my precious grandchild,
Who will live in my heart forever,
Whose memory blows over me at will,
Like a warm summer's breeze.
And I know not whence it comes
Or whither it goes.
But I suppose
It goes where love abides.

Gone With the Wind

2010-05-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

I am shutting down this blog because I have been too busy to keep it updated. To keep up with my work you can go to . . .

Love Addicts Anonymous, the program I co-founded(loveaddicts.org).
or
A Brighter Tomorrow, my personal website (brightertomorrow.net).

In Memoriam

2009-01-03T15:25:00.000-08:00

Sandra was a sweet little nymph. She was 4'11" and weighed 81 lbs. I am 5'9" and weigh 200. We met at a nursing home. She was a patient and I was a volunteer. She was schizophrenic and heard voices from time to time. When she was 40 years old she had a dream that a group of men were going to rape her. Two weeks later she was on the 4th floor of a hotel when she heard some men getting off of the elevator. There was no where to run so she lowered herself off the side of the building to hide. She fell and broke her back. She lived in assisted living for 17 years when a sore on her back put her in the hospital. It got infected and they had to amputate her leg. They put her in a nursing home, to her dismay, where I met her. I fell in love quickly.

A year later Sandra and I were married. She continued to live in t he nursing home. At first I used to pay someone to carry her up to my apartment for weekend visits, but eventually I moved to an apartment near the nursing home where they had an elevator.

As time passed her pain got worse and worse. She had spasms from her amputated led that would drive her to tears. On February 9, 2009 she killed herself. Today s he is in heaven waiting for me. Why do I know she is waiting for me? We were a matched pair of unicorns. Unicorns only have one mate.

Addendum

Someone on my Love Addicts Anonymous message board asked me once: “In your relationship, were you able to work out any of the old childhood wounds?” This is my answer.

I am serious when I say the package means nothing to me. After searching for a man for 56 years I fell in love with a woman. Surprise! My family was not happy but I was. Sandra and I had similar childhoods. We both listened to the other's story and validated the pain we both had suffered. I was less ashamed of the things I had done as a love addict because Sandra did the same things. We were both in recovery. Some of our childhood wounds took longer to heal. There was a fear of sex on both of our sides so we had a sexless marriage. However the affection and tenderness was off the charts.

We were both so familiar with each other's childhood that we could identify flair ups and soothe the other person as well as avoid triggers. Sandra was yelled at as a child so I could lose my temper with others but I could not yell at her without triggering her old wounds. When we argued we both forgave easily and moved on quickly. This is something we both needed. We were both the same age and liked that. We shared similar values and belief systems. I believed we were brought together to heal our old wounds and live happily ever after. This was the first relationship in my life where my partner actually loved me in return. This brought me so much pleasure that I over looked the fact that Sandra was disabled and couldn't do everything an able-bodied partner could. I think I had to get older to appreciate the simple things about relationships. I could just look at her and be thrilled that she was in my life. We had so much fun together and were so compatible. I think healthy relationships, by their very nature, heal our childhood wounds. They satisfy our attachment hunger. I remember telling my therapist once that I had waited 56 years for love and during that time I sometimes wondered if it was worth waiting for. It was!!!!

Encouragement

2008-12-15T16:17:00.000-08:00

I just got the lovliest email from someone who read my story "Where Love Abides." It inspires me to keep writing. I have been depressed lately and so I think this email was a Christmas present from God encouraging me.

From: Deborah Stewart,

Dear Lady;

I had to write and tell you how your story "Finding Love" has touched my heart and soul. I was mesmerized, and I could not stop reading. My only sorrow was when it ended. What a beautiful, heavenly mind you have! In reading your story, it is clear that God has left His mark upon your mind and soul. I would encourage you to share what God has lovingly given to you. Expound on this and turn it into a book. It is too beautiful to remain only here on Helium. God Bless You. Deborah

Christmas Present from my Higher Power

2008-12-14T13:45:00.000-08:00

Licensed professionals may be confident of the work they do, but someone like me with only a teaching credential, research, and experience live for the kind of feedback I just got from a client. I believe it was a Christmas present from my higher power. Here is it ...

Susan asked me to share a little of my story. I am involved in a triangle with a girl 27 years younger than me who lives in Colombia South America. What started out as a fling has lasted 4 years and is starting to take a toll on me in the form of an obsession or addiction. It ain't good. I believe in a universal being. I grew up Catholic and went envangelico for a while but discovered that we all have our own connection to God or the Being.

I firmly believe it was this being that led me to Susan and her book and my eventually booking some time with her. During that first session it was like I was hit over the head with a bat. It was so clear and so subliminal that we ended our sessin early with 25 minutes to go, because what was said was small compared to what was transmitted between Susan's spirit and mine. Believe me I got the word. Of course Susan admonished me for not being a better husband so I know I have to go back to her for that! But I am in the process of following Susan's recommendation of writing an email to cut off my affair. I wrote it and am working on the courage to send it. I am a bit of chicken and I am fighting with my inner child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Susan taught me about this.

If I sound overwhelmed with Susan please excuse me. I don't want to make her a cult figure but she really did help me immensely. I know it's about common sense but some people are more gifted than others. I think this is Susan's case.

I count on your prayers and support and I already accept my recovery.

Thanks for reading this.

Fred

Author Again

2008-09-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

I have just signed a contract to co-author a book about relationships. The topic is top secret as it is expected to explode on the market. I was willing to sign on as a ghostwriter, but the author (my son's age) offered to put my name on the book and give me royalties. I was very moved and thrilled. As the lead character said in the movie "Jerry McGuire," "You had me at hello."

It will be a lot of work and discipline. I have contracted for 3 hours a day but will do more. Check is in the mail. But most of all I am happy. I just wish Sandra were here to share this with me.

Checking In

2008-09-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

I have not been writing recently, but I have not gone anywhere. My next article will be about faith. It will be called "Protecting the Baby." It was inspired by my son's rather graphic statement, "I would take a bullet for the baby," (meaning his faith). I hope everyone is well. If you want to find me I spend hours each day on the Love Addicts Anonymous Message Board. I am the administrator. Here is the link. (You have to cut and paste.)

http://laarecovery.proboards99.com/index.cgi

Where Love Abides

2008-07-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

This is a parable about my life in search of love. Here is the link. You have to cut and paste.

It begins . . .

Sorrow

Hello, my name is Sorrow. When I was just a little girl my parents ran away from home. The first night they were gone I got terribly frightened and started to cry. I wandered all over the house looking for comfort. Finally, I ended up in the kitchen peering into the refrigerator. The food looked delicious and I began to eat with a vengeance. My fear went away as long as my mouth was full.

Illusion

I got lonely after a few days as an orphan. One night . . .

http://brightertomorrow.net/whereloveabides.htm

Acceptance

2008-07-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment." Alcoholics Anonymous

Circle of Friends

2008-07-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

I just went on a crying jag. Someone rejected me recently and it opened up this old, old wound. I was crying out loud, "What's wrong with me?" Then I started crying, "Mommy, what's wrong with me? Why don't you love me?" Then I started crying, "Sandra why did you leave me?" You see Sandra was the only one who ever really loved me deeply and romantically. Anyway . . . the crying jag is over and I remembered all of you---my circle of friends. I know you love me and God loves me. That is all that counts. Take care . . .

P.S. When I used to tell Sandra about people not liking me she used to tell me I was her special unicorn. She said not everyone took to them because they were so unique.

How It Works

2008-07-02T15:51:00.000-07:00

I have been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for 25 years. We read "How It Works" from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous at every meeting.

How does it work? It’s not the meetings. . . It’s not the spirituality . . . It’s not the fellowship. . . It’s not the steps. . . It’s not the literature. . . It’s not “the rooms”. . . It’s not the sponsors. . . It’s the love and service. . . that is how it works.

Tears from Heaven

2008-07-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

Call it wishful thinking, but I believe a friend of mine had a dream meant for me. It was Sandra apologizing for killing herself. This is the dream as described by my friend AnnMarie.

I was notified that Sandra had passed away. I arrived at the hospital and was in the room where Sandra lay. She was in a regular hospital bed but was covered with a blanket from head to foot. And at the foot of her bed there were cords that were connected to the bed. With me was a nurse and a doctor. The doctor and nurse then started to plug up the cords that were on the bed and told me as they did this that Sandra might move. As they hooked up the last cord the doctor removed the blanket from Sandra’s face to her waist and I saw her hand move. Then almost instantly I saw her eyes open and start looking around the room. She then saw me and focused in on me and said, “I love you so much.” I responded back to her and said, “I love you too Sandra.” I then went to her bedside and lay my head on her chest, and she said to me “I’m so sorry for the last time we were together.” In the dream I new exactly what she was referring to in my heart and mind and I responded, “Its okay, don’t worry about it.”I then stepped away from her and she had a tear in her eye. Then I awoke.

Poetry

2008-06-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

Check out my poetry about recovery.

Click here . . .

Change Your Life

2008-06-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

Check out my new book about how to change your life,.

Click here . . .

Love Addiction

2008-06-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

Check out my writings about love addiction.

Click here . . .

Christian Writings

2008-06-30T14:38:00.000-07:00

My writings for Christians are on my other website!

Click here . . .

Reparenting the Inner Child

2008-06-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

I was growing up I was very headstrong. It was difficult for my parents to discipline me, so they gave up trying. Interestingly enough, this lack of discipline made me feel unloved. I remember wishing I had some of the restrictions that my friends moaned and groaned about. As an adult, I was introduced to the concept of self-parenting (or reparenting) in a support group. Self-parenting is a therapeutic approach to healing the wounds of our childhood. It is an attempt to give ourselves now what we did not get as children.

The “inner child” is a term adopted from a concept introduced by Eric Berne in his book, The Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. In his book, Berne introduces the world to Transactional Analyses, a revolutionary new way of looking at the human psyche. Later Thomas Harris in his book, I’m OK, You’re OK, popularized this idea. The child ego state eventually became the “inner child,” which in turn led to a series of popular books: Hugh Missildine’s Your Inner Child of the Past; Charles Whitfield’s Healing the Child Within; John Bradshaw’s Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child; Philip Oliver-Diaz and Patricia O’Gorman’s Twelve Steps to Self Parenting; and Cathryn Taylor’s The Inner Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When it Won’t Go Away, just to name a few. Over the years the concept of the inner child has been both applauded and trivialized, but it is still an important tool to help us finally grow beyond an arrested state of development.

When I first heard about self-parenting, I was excited about what it offered. I recognized that part of my personality that embodied an emotionally undeveloped little girl who felt unloved and ashamed of herself. Up to this point I had never really had a concept of myself this way. I had been told by my friends that I could “act like a child” and I knew that I was wounded, but it never occurred to me that I could heal this part of myself by getting to know my inner child. Suddenly I was excited about giving my inner child the love and benevolent discipline that she had been denied years before. I also knew that loving my inner child would help me focus on changing myself rather than trying to change others.

I met my inner child in an unprogrammed meditation. I got into a comfortable position and closed my eyes. Then I let my mind wander until my little girl appeared to me. In my meditation we were in a park together. She had an angry expression on her face, but I could sense the pain and sadness that lay beneath her anger. I called to her, but at first she refused to come near me. Eventually, however, she slowly walked toward me. When she was finally close to me, I reached out and stroked her hair. She immediately broke down and cried. I took her in my arms and began rocking her back and forth. I reassured her. I told her I was here to be her mother. I promised to give her everything that she needed to feel loved and safe. Since then, I’ve continued to develop a relationship with my inner child as a way of learning to love myself. Today, this relationship is threefold: I love and comfort my little girl (Susie); I set limits with her; and we play together. As a result, she has, for the most part, stopped acting out, and her pain no longer permeates my life. She is content and no longer needs mood-altering experiences to anesthetize her pain. Most of all, my self-parenting has helped me grow up, and this maturation has paved the way for other changes.

Facing Grief

2008-06-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

Sandra committed suicide 4 months ago. To avoid grieving, I got a crush on an old friend. When the romance did not work out I had to face my loss of Sandra which had been pushed aside for a few weeks. I was single for 15 years before I met Sandra so I know how to do that without being lonely. I have been working on my self-esteem and love addiction for a long time. But once Sandra and I found each other I got a taste for having a loving partner and I really miss it. Today I went to the mall where we went shopping and it just hit me so hard. She lived in a nursing home because she had a broken back and an amputated leg, and at the mall I ran into several of the nurses there and the director. Every morning Sandra called me to say good morning and every night she would call to say goodnight no matter how much time we had spent together during the day. So mornings and nights are tough. But I am going to face this head on and let God help me work it through. No more distractions. Grief hurts, but we all have to face it eventually, one day at a time. I am ruminating here. It helps to share my pain. Namaste!

Jasmyne Marie Snyder

2008-06-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

Jasmyne Marie Snyder, June 16, 1994 - June 29, 1994

I had a really difficult time forgiving myself for neglecting my son Karl and my daughter Kathy. Even as I write this I feel a lot of guilt. However, since recognizing what I did to them I have apologized and made what they call in 12-step programs a “living amends.” This means doing now what you would have done then if you could go back in time. With my daughter Kathy this process took on new meaning when she decided to have children, and little did I know when she got pregnant that I would soon have an opportunity to make a significant amends to her and begin to forgive myself.

In 1994, Kathy got pregnant. I was ecstatic. I wanted very much to be a grandmother and have a second chance at parenting. I knew Kathy and her husband Monty would make good parents and that the cycle of dysfunction would be broken by them.

Early in June, three months before she was due, Kathy went into labor and did not even know it. She thought she was having a backache. By the time Monty rushed her to the hospital the baby’s little foot had started to come out. The doctor said that if the delivery could be delayed just too weeks the baby would have a chance. We prayed. We begged God. Monty even dreamed the baby would wait. On June 16, 1994, at 11:04 p.m., Jasmyne Marie Snyder was born. She weighed one and one-half pounds. Monty was too nervous to be in the operating room (Kathy had a cesarian) so I was there when little Jasmyne came out. She was perfect.

We watched over Jasmyne for fourteen days while she struggled to hang on. During this time, my heart ached for my daughter. The pain was as sharp as a knife. I had to ask God, “Why are you doing this? Kathy does not deserve this. Punish me. I am the one who failed at parenting. Give Kathy a chance to be a mother.” The waiting made me sick. Jasmyne sucked in the air of her ventilator. Her little swollen hand reached out to me. When she grabbed my hand it was as if she was pulling out a plug and tears came rushing out of me.

Jasmyne passed away on June 29, 1994. They took her off the ventilator and we all rushed down to the hospital chapel. Kathy couldn’t bear to be there and asked me if I would stand in for her. I was afraid, but I had to do this for my daughter. The doctor, pastor, nurse, Monty, and I all sat side-by-side. We each held her in turn. A moment after she was placed in my arms she stopped breathing. I was the last one to be with her on this earth. Later, Kathy told me how grateful she was. It was at that moment that I felt I had finally made my amends to her and for the first time I could really begin to forgive myself.

At Jasmyne’s funeral I felt moved to read a poem I had written years earlier.

A Brighter Tomorrow

Life may take a downward spiral
And overwhelm us for awhile.

Pain may seem a way of life;
Endless moments filled with strife.

Gloom may settle in our soul,
Splitting that which once was whole.

And yet despite this painful rift,
There still exists a timeless gift.

The saving grace when all is gray,
God's promise of a brand new day.

For some reason I emphasized the phrase “God’s Promise.” Three months later, Monty announced that Kathy was pregnant again. “We were supposed to wait a year, he said,” but it just happened. If it is a girl we are going to name her Isabelle. “Why Isabelle?” I asked. “I don’t know,” he said, “It just came to me.”

I immediately called the library (this was before the Internet) and asked the research librarian what Isabelle meant. She looked it up and said, “It means God’s oath.” “What does that mean?” I asked. “You know,” she said, “God’s promise.”

Today, Isabelle is a lovely child, full of promise and full of beans—just like her grandmother. What have I learned? God is amazing and he never forsakes us—something to live for

Faith

2008-06-11T15:59:00.001-07:00

I had a dream once about God. He was sitting at the head of a conference table talking about me to his angels. Suddenly he got a sad look on his face. He said, “I just don’t understand why Susan worries so much. I have always taken care of her. She has always had a roof over her head and food to eat. I have always comforted her during a time of crisis. Why does she still worry so much? You would think that she would have more faith in me.” I woke up feeling guilty. After that I tried to worry less and internalize my faith more deeply.

Faith is a mysterious emotion. It is like confidence. We feel intuitively during a crisis that everything will work itself out in the end. It is like serenity. We feel peaceful. It is like intimacy. We feel close to God. It is like humility. We feel frail next to the power of God. It is like awe. We feel such admiration for God. It is like awareness. We feel the truth deep in our soul. It is like joy. We are so happy to be loved. Faith is like all these things. But it is still mysterious.

How do you get faith? It is a gift. You ask for it and then act “as if” you have it. It comes to you the size of an acorn and then grows into a great tree draping its branches around your life. If it fades away, you set aside everything you are doing to find it and bring it back into your life.

What do you do with faith? You enjoy it and you share it with others. You guard it carefully. It is your most valuable possession. When others, who have less faith than you, are in trouble, you bolster them up with affirmations. You tell them how time and time again God has seen you through a crisis. You share with them how everything good in your life has come from God. Then you stand in for God. You act as an emissary and help these people in any way you can. When you part, you don’t say, “I love you,” you say, “God loves you. Have faith in him.”

When you pray, pray for faith. Everything else is in God’s hands. He will decide what is best for you. He will determine how long you are to suffer. He will determine the source of all your income. He will put the right people in your life and take the wrong ones out. If you attempt to do this yourself you will make mistakes. Let God do it all. Just ask for faith so that you can relax while God is controlling your life.

As you grow old, thank God for your faith. So many people suffer because they do not have it. Have compassion for these people and praise the Lord for blessing you with your faith.

Protecting the Baby

2008-06-11T15:44:00.000-07:00

My son Karl is a mystic. He has fallen on hard times. I will spare you the details. We were talking on the phone the other day and the conversation turned to God. He said to me, "No matter what mom I have to protect the baby. I will take four bullets in the back to protect the baby." I said, "What do you mean? Who is the baby?" He replied, "The baby is my faith." I was quiet and then said, "Goodnight."

That night I had "another" dream about babies. I have been having these dreams for years and years. In the dreams the babies are always in trouble. They are starving, emaciated, hungry, injured, bleeding, crying and in danger. I am trying desperately to save them. I always blame myself for their plight. I have always wondered if these babies represent me or my children. Now I wonder if the babies represent my faith. Who knows . . .

Sandra Rae Patrick

2008-06-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

On February 4, 2008 my beloved partner, Sandra Rae Patrick, committed suicide. I dedicate this site to her. She loved me. She inspired me. When I am ready I am going to tell her story as it will inspire you too. You can see from her baby picture how beautiful she was. It is clear she was an "old soul." Look at those eyes!